The Gates of Hell Will Not Prevail

This is something that I never dreamed I would be talking about. I never dreamed that I would ever struggle with something like this. But here I am, hoping to be a voice in this dark and fallen world of stigmatizing.

I have struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but especially when I entered college.

In high school, I loved being a part of things. Whether it was a sport, or hanging out with friends, I loved the feeling of being present. Thats where I found I could truly be myself. When I left all that behind, and headed for college, no one told me about the struggles that I would face.

Sure, some people talked about the journey. The thrill of sleeping in, having ample free time, and a loaded social life. The best four years of your life.

Thats a lot of pressure…

However, once I got to college, everything changed for me. The person that I had known and grown to love during my high school years was suddenly lost. I felt like a different person who no longer had the confidence to do the things I did in high school.

When faced with tremendous anxiety, I felt alone. When I started taking medicine for my anxiety, I felt alone. When I lost pound after pound from the lack of eating, when I didn’t sleep for days, when I could no longer go to class anymore, I felt completely alone. When I took a leave of absence and left college for the semester, I felt more alone than I can describe.

Waking up day after day, knowing that I am going to have panic attacks, is a helpless feeling. There was nothing I could do but wait for them to be over. But as soon as one was over, another would soon follow. To think that my life would be like that forever, was a feeling I cannot describe. It was like the anxiety took away any ounce of passion for anything in my life. What was the point anymore? I mean really, I could hardly function.

I felt like darkness was closing in on me every single second of the day.

Even though I received treatment through counseling, and have healed so much through that, I still struggle today. I went back after that semester, but it has truly been a game of catching up and trying to rediscover what makes me passionate and happy again. What was stolen, I needed to find again. I needed to find that girl who I lost at one point.

I can sit here and talk about my anxiety pretty easily, but when it comes to depression, it feels much more difficult. I have felt like giving up at times. Waking up the way I described, feeling like a burden to everyone in my life, that can lead anyone down a deep hole that is hard to climb out of.

Some may think that I have no reason to feel depressed at times. My life may look pretty normal and good from the outside.

But I think that’s the fault many people have when looking at people in their lives that seem like they are okay. They have no reason to be depressed or anxious if their lives are stable and normal, right?

There is more to someones story than just their situation. We all struggle in one way or another, and everyone deserves to be heard and cared for.

Now, this is not just a story of brokenness and hopelessness. This is a story of hope and healing. Of an ongoing process that God is working in me and through me to reach those who have been stigmatized by society. Just as He is doing for each and every one of you.

When we talk about mental illness, especially in the Christian atmosphere, we are met with many downcast faces and silent judgements.

There is this fear of the unknown that we all face, but with that comes a lack of understanding.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”- Philippians 4:6

I have heard this verse spoken to me many times when I bring up my mental illness, and almost every time it is by someone who believes that the “cure” to my anxiety is to believe that it is not right to feel this way if I am a Christian.

How come the Church makes mental illness seem wrong when there are countless examples of it in the Bible? Let’s just take a look at some.

Elijah

“he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” 5 And he lay down and slept under a broom tree. And behold, an angel touched him and said to him, “Arise and eat.” (1 Kings 19:4–5.)

Hannah

“Hannah wept and would not eat . . . She was deeply distressed and prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly”
(1 Samuel 1:7–10).

Paul

“ . . .we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”
(2 Corinthians 1:8–10).

Jesus

“Jesus Wept” (John 11:35)

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death”
(Matthew 26:38).

David

“Hear my prayer, O LORD;
let my cry come to you!
Do not hide your face from me
in the day of my distress!
Incline your ear to me;
answer me speedily in the day when I call!
For my days pass away like smoke,
and my bones burn like a furnace.
My heart is struck down like grass and has withered;
I forget to eat my bread.
Because of my loud groaning
my bones cling to my flesh.
I am like a desert owl of the wilderness,
like an owl of the waste places;
I lie awake;
I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop”
(Psalm 102)

I think it is just as important to see the struggle those in the Bible went through, as it is to see the restorative power of Jesus.

To treat mental illness like it is a store filled with glass, is to not give God the power and the authority that He deserves.

A verse that I have come back to time and time again is this:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you go through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, and the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God”

Isaiah 43:2-3

Jesus does not imply that we will never struggle. He does not promise we will never feel lonely, anxious, or depressed. There are forces of evil all around us that seek to kill and destroy us.

That is something that has actually helped me tremendously in my journey of healing. Becoming aware of the forces of darkness and the schemes of the Devil gives my suffering a name.

But when Jesus died on the cross for us, and then was raised from the grave, do you know who won? Jesus did. Not the forces of evil or the devil. He not only claimed the victory then, but He has it forever. That means that the devil can never win when we have Jesus fighting for us every single day. Sometimes struggling with a mental illness can feel personal. What I mean by that is that we sometimes feel like we are doing something wrong. That we are broken people who can’t be fixed.

Jesus, however, calls us by name. He sees you and I as treasures, as worth more than gold. He sees you as someone worth dying for. You may look in the mirror and see broken and useless, but Jesus can see way further than you ever could. He sees a person that could never be loved any less, and He does not ever regret dying for you on the cross. You sure as heck are not a burden to the King of Kings.

Not only does He see you as wholly adored and worth more than you could imagine, but He promises to be with you through every struggle. There is not a single moment of our lives where we are alone. When I was sitting in my dark closet, feeling completely hopeless and defeated, Jesus was holding me. When I almost took my own life after taking medicine that made me suicidal, Jesus was holding me. When I lost all sense of myself in my lowest and darkest times, Jesus was holding me. He is holding you in your closet. He is with you when you feel like you just want to give up. No flames shall burn you, nor waters overtake you. No forces of evil shall consume you, nor any schemes of the devil overtake you.

He is fighting for you against the forces of hell as we speak. You know what’s so comforting? He has already, and will always remain victorious.

I remember listening to a song called “We Believe” by the Newsboys. There were some lyrics that really reminded me of the fight already being won:

“And the gates of hell will not prevail
For the power of God, has torn the vail
Now we know Your love will never fail
We believe, we believe”

The gates of hell will not prevail. His love will always prevail. Through your depression, through your anxiety, through your pain, through your eating disorder, through your addiction, through your worst days, God is with you. He is fighting for you. He will never stop pursuing you. You are wanted. You are loved so tremendously. You are never fighting this fight alone. The God of the universe has you under his wings. Rest in knowing that the battle is not yours. The battle is Gods to win. His reign and rule, his light and love, will always see you. Even when you do not think anyone is watching. He is always there and will never leave you in your struggle.

Even here, a beautiful work is being accomplished within you. You might not be able to always see it in a quick glance at your present state, but when you look at the whole picture of your life, you will begin to see that there is beauty in the wholeness of it all. And even in the moments where you felt insignificant and small, Light was still pouring in, providing you with grace and strength, to keep stepping more into you truly are. – Morgan Harper Nichols