An Anxious Heart

Struggling with something no one else can truly understand is tough to say the least

A little over a month ago, I moved into college with a nervous, but excited spirit. I was excited for what God had in store for my life, but nervous for all that was to come. Everything was fun and enjoyable the first couple weeks. It was overwhelming due to tough classes and meeting a lot of new people, but overall I was settling in quite well.

About 2 weeks into my college experience, something changed drastically. That’s where my whole life changed.

I had always struggled with a normal amount of anxiety. When I drank coffee or right before a test, I would get nervous and as anxious as anyone else would get. However, my third week of college I experienced a very different kind of anxiety.

This anxiety was affecting every aspect of who I was. First of all, it took a toll on my emotional health. It began with getting worked up about even the smallest of things and then escalated to worrying constantly.

It then took a toll on my physical health. I was constantly feeling dizzy, my chest felt tight all of the time, and it was hard to breathe.

At that point, I decided to go home and see a doctor. After going to the doctor, she reassured me in telling me it was anxiety. She prescribed me Lexapro and I felt hopeful. The first day on the medication I felt awesome and was super energetic. Then, the next three days were miserable. I went back to my college and spent the next few days throwing up and barely being able to drink water, let alone eat food.

Desperate, I went to the Student Health Services building at my college. I had been there many times before for this so they were starting to get to know me. The doctor there prescribed me Xolof and told me to stop taking the Lexapro. I asked them if this new medication had worse side effects, and they told me no. With that, I picked up the prescription and started on that medication. Again, the first day on that medication, I felt wonderful. The next day, however, was one of the worst days of my life.

I woke up feeling horrible. I could not keep food down and was so worn out and exhausted. I missed classes and was in bed the majority of the day. As the day came to a close, I noticed something happening to me. Something that had never ever crossed my mind before. I was having thoughts of hurting myself or ending my life. That night I felt so exhausted and hopeless. I felt as though there was only one way of escaping this horrible disease. In that moment, I remembered everything my mom had taught me when I was little. She had talked to me about how suicide is never the option and that it effects so many people.I thought of all of my friends, family, and my boyfriend who loved me so much and would be crushed if I did anything. This was something that the doctor had told me could be a potential side effect. I never thought I would deal with it considering I had absolutely no other times I had thought that way. Thats how I immediately knew that these thoughts were coming from the medication. I immediately threw every single pill in the garbage and dropped to my knees. I opened up my bible and read and read and read. I surrounded myself with friends and made sure to not let the devil try to invade my mind again. That night I vowed to never take another pill for my anxiety ever again.

The next week went by so quickly. I stopped taking my medication. I decided to take a leave of absence from college in order to get healthy again without having to worry about classes and other obligations. I had lost 10 pounds within a week and a half, I wasn’t able to eat very much or sleep, and water was tough for me to swallow. My anxiety was taking over every aspect of who I was.

Once I got home, my anxiety slowly began to subside. It never goes away completely, you just learn different ways of coping with it. I started exercising a lot more, eating healthier, and taking care of myself.

I want to use my experience with anxiety to help those of you who are feeling as though no one understands. I am here to be that person who tells you, “I understand completely, and you are not alone.”

I understand what its like to have people ask you:

“Well, what are you anxious about?”

“Why are you so anxious?”

And not being able to answer those questions because if you knew the answer to those, then you wouldn’t even have the anxiety in the first place.

Anxiety is very tough to deal with. Its hard to explain to people because, most of the time, you have no idea why you are anxious.

Its also difficult because it takes a toll on those around you. My boyfriend is such an amazing person. He has been by my side through all of this and has put up with my constant worrying, panic attacks in public places, and my constant need of reassurance. However, it does take a toll on relationships if you allow it to. You are in control, even though it may feel like you are not. I had to learn this. Its not easy, but it is worth it if you truly do care about the relationships you have. All people want to do is help you, but its really difficult to truly let people in for fear of being a burden. That was something I truly struggled so much with. Being a burden is one of my biggest fears. So having to be helped instead of being the helper was very very difficult for me. However, I know that God was shaping me to be a more humble servant.

Jesus has never left your side through all of this. You really need to know this. I know that it may have felt like He did a long time ago. Through all of the dark, sleepless nights. Through all of the constant panic attacks and feeling like you are completely hopeless. Through all of the times when you felt like giving up, He never did. Yes, He did allow this to happen to you. Could He have stopped it or taken it away by now? Absolutely. But He didn’t. This can cause many of us to wonder if God even cares for us if He is allowing this to happen. However, we have to remember that everything that happens to us is for OUR good and for HIS glory. This life is not your own. It is HIS and has always been HIS. We may not understand now why these things happen, but we will one day. And we can hold onto that hope forever. We can push on and fight because of what Jesus has already overcome on the cross. HE is carrying you through this. He really is. He loves you, He sees you, and He sees you as a treasure. If you have breath in your lungs and a heartbeat in your chest, YOU have a purpose and you are there for a reason. Open your bible and read. Listen to podcasts and sermons. Get involved in your church. Live a life outside of yourself and you will be amazed at the healing it is able to do. Jesus sees you. He wants you. He longs for you. And He will fight this battle, from start to finish, for YOU. You need only to be still and rest in the peace that surpasses all understanding.